Faith and Suicide

This post has nothing to do with weddings. Also, wedding plans have taken a back seat for now as we're caring for nenek.

I've been meaning to write about this for some time but I didn't. I didn't know where to start, what to write or answer all my WHY questions. It was only until just now when my sister came back from a gathering and found out the whole story did I have a bit of understanding of why.

A couple of weeks ago at about 6.30pm, my old primary school teacher called. It seems like a junior of mine has passed away. I wondered what could have caused it. Was he ill? Was it an accident? Nope. It was worse. He committed suicide by hanging himself.

I was shocked and until I've heard the whole story did I understood what he went through. I won't divulge his story here as its not my story to share. All I could say was that he was very depressed, very lonely and empty inside that he drove himself to do such a thing.

All I could ask was where was his faith? If only he had a bit of faith. Faith in our Creator that there would be no chance for him to be extremely lonely.

I've been depressed so I knew how it felt to be so unattached to the surroundings and wallowing in my own despair. It is sort of a sickness if it is not handled properly. But with that lil faith I have, with time I got pass it.

The next few questions all begin with If Only... If only someone had reached out to him. If only families could support each other. If only they cared......

Let it be a lesson and a reminder to everyone out there, think before you act, before you speak, before you retaliate in anger. You never know that you could have triggered pain to a weaker soul and the next thing you know blood is on your hands. Its never wise to be mean. You could have save a life with a little act of kindness.

Pre-Wedding Shots

We thought it was significant that we had our photoshoot in Melaka as that was where it all started.

Death

I'm afraid of it. I feel it looming dangerously close and I'm in denial. Nenek is in so much pain. She's getting fevers on and off now and bruises are appearing all over her body. She's holding on because she wants to see me get married. I have to make a decision now.

Postgraduate Studies

So I applied. I told everyone that I'm not gonna do masters. Such a hassle. I don't want to teach. I want to cooked. Stay at home. Open my business. Then my dad enters. Sigh. You gotto work missy. OK...I got a job and still working till now. Then one fine day. It just came over me. Like a calling telling me to apply. To complete my masters study. So I applied. Last 15 May to University Malaya. Yea screw what everyone says. It's close to home. I applied for three master courses trying my luck. But was aiming for masters in modern languages.

Last friday, I got an email saying that I got accepted for Masters in Modern Languages. It was a wierd feeling. I was happy, yes, then it dawn to me that all the reading and living in libraries will start again. Then it was me organizing my time, my next plans, what research I should do, making time to go there and ask some lecturers what research I should do, maybe look up ahead and start reading on the courses. Its the kiasu, ultra-time management thing in me. I got it from my dad I think and probably the only one in my family with it. The rest of my siblings plus my mum are so hamban. Including my fiance. Probably scared a lot of people with it too.

So..good luck to me.. =)

Reflecting on Life

3 years ago I gave my heart a chance on someone. It wasn't the easiest thing for me to do. People who know me, well know that I'm not exactly an easy person to get along. I generally have a hard time trusting people. Regardless of the circumstance.

I know I gave him a hard time and yet he stayed on. Gotta give him credit for being patient. Secondly, he changed. I knew a lot of his guy buddies hated that about me. What is really so wrong about change if it's for the better. Him, his character, his personality, that didn't change. He's still the same funny, always trying to annoy me and making smart ass jokes. How he would talk crap like killing and ripping off someone's throat but when there's a time that person would ask for his help. He would be there without a blink. That's my baby. That's why I love him. Of course bad habits had to change. Which fortunately,some, he gave up. I'm still trying to get him to entirely quit smoking. We were moving on to something bigger. A life together. It wasn't a time to be selfish. Even for me. We give and take. That's how our relationship is.

These past few months have been really been a test on our relationship. I wish the wedding was the main problem but it wasn't. I didn't even have time to think of planning the wedding. Its been physically distressing at work with more work piling on my desk each day. Juggling responsibilities at home with nenek sick and my mom up and down singapore, I had to keep house and play mom. And then there was him and us and the problems that follow. When the going gets tough, it just got tougher.

God really put a test on us. I do believe that he is ever loving, ever kind, ever giving and I see it appearing day by day. Its just a matter of reaching out and grab it. I've been feeling helpless and depressed for a few weeks. Trying to battle these demons and being strong. Its never easy to do it alone. I pray to God to give me strength, to remain hopeful and to open my window wide and beyond. I promise I'm giving all I can to do my duties on this Earth.

Sini Sana: Travel Stories in Malaysia

It's finally here!!! The long awaited book is finally published and I'm proud to say that my darling is one of the writers in the book. So make sure you go to MPH and buy the book ok. Anyways, his story 'Papa's Bukit' was featured in the Star newspaper by one of their regular columnist saying that it was one of her favourite stories from the collection. I have yet to read the article so I'm scouring the online Star archives in search of it.

Papa's Bukit is a beautiful piece that is written close to his heart.

It's a personal story of his that I find, to a city girl like me, something I rarely hear about. He's told me stories about his childhood numerous times and I finally told him, well I guess more like force him, to write about it. I'm glad I did. Anything is possible when you put your mind to it.

The Greatest Woman- You are my inspiration

Those who know me would know that my grandmother is going through 4th stage of cancer. She was diagnosed with this disease last year. It has been a very painful and difficult journey. She went through two operations in the course of one year as the tumor was rapidly growing in her stomach. This time around, the cancer had spread all over her liver and the doctors cannot do anything about it anymore. Her cancer is GIST, please look it up. Its a form of cancer that rarely ever happens to anyone and from the beginning onwards the doctors told us that there was no cure for it. We as a family have accepted this fate and we have tried to make her life as meaningful as possible.

She is my heart. She was the person who took care of me when both my parents were working. She bathe and feed me and protect me when my yayi (grandpa) was angry at me. My late grandfather was the baran type. So it was really scary for me when he got angry. My dear grandmother was always there for me. I love her so much. I would protect her by all means. There have been some things in the past that I've gone overboard because I felt so dearly for her and when I felt she has been wronged. I would do the same thing for her again.

I was very fortunate to be able to give back a piece of how she cared for me last year. When she was sick and during moments where I was free I was in Singapore taking care of her needs. It was a just a fraction. I wish I could do more. But life moves on and I got a job and the wedding. I so wish I could do more.

She in her pain cooked my fiance sambal goreng when she heard he got transferred to JB. That is the strength of my grandmother. She put her love into everything that she do and the receivers of this love felt it so strongly. She never complaint about her pain. She is so strong.

I know I have to be strong as well. I will be. I will be there reading for her the quran and soothing her with sounds of the zikir. I would like to request to whoever who reads this will pray for her strength and read the surah yasin. It is very hard for me right now but I must give all my strength to my nenek. My inspiration.