Being married, being a wife

I know I've gotten lazy to write and really backdated with the reviews. I really have no excuse for it. But that's not the point. The focus today will be answering the question a lot of people ask. How does it feel being married? How does it feel being a wife?

I couldn't answer. Not in the first month after being married. A lot of things were going on. Deep dark issues that after the wedding was over I felt relief. I was still mourning for nenek, there were family to entertain that I don't have time to think. I didn't have time to be married, to be a wife. It was to please and entertain people. They were duties which I knew had to be done after getting married. Duties that were rooted in tradition. Something not easy for my husband to understand. And tackling making him understand was a chore itself. It was tough I tell ya. Settling in. Living together. Although he moved in with my family, it was still a tough situation.

Understanding his family which are totally different from mine. It was the complete opposite. It was hard adjusting to this difference and I am forever glad that my husband made the decision that we will stay with my family and never with his.

Now coming in to the third month of being married, I could answer those questions. Being married is wonderful after setting aside differences and setting a rhythm in things. I'm as demanding as ever. He spoils me  more. I cook. He eats. We do the housework and chores together. He's considerate. Its better. Now  I pray that this will last. Amin.

The Wedding---Finally

After all the drama, relatives started popping up and behold it was the day of the wedding. The wait seemed very loong with the fights that we were having. It's definitely not easy. Alhamdulillah, everything went well. I was very very lucky. I had a lot of support and help from my parents, my family, my friends and even old neighbours from Singapore. I loved everything about the wedding. I was nervous alright bout a lot of things but I bit my lip and told myself to let it go. I loved my make-up, my dresses, the decorations, the performance, the photographs and the presents. I would like to thank all that contributed to make it such a memorable experience. Yes...I shall update everything soon..soo stay tune..

Wedding Updates and More

I know I've been really behind with updates but life catches on to you so currently I'm working, doing my masters, planning the wedding and in-between going back and forth from Singapore.

I came across CahayaKad by Latifi from Sarawak. You can check him out on facebook. He makes and designs the most amazing wedding invites and for bride-to-be out there who is willing to spend extra dough I encourage you to contact him.

I however have booked the wedding invites way before I found him. SO sad kan....xpela... But nevertheless, I think the invites are looking pretty nice. Simple with no kerawang kerawang. ...

Next, the bunga pahar. We went to Kak Fatma's house the other day and the bunga pahar is fabulous. So awesome! My mum quickly just said yes without asking for the price. Tp memang sgt sgt cantik la...

Door Gifts. I think we've sort of decided on it.

Well...that's it la for now. Will report back when there's more things done.

Toodles...

Faith and Suicide

This post has nothing to do with weddings. Also, wedding plans have taken a back seat for now as we're caring for nenek.

I've been meaning to write about this for some time but I didn't. I didn't know where to start, what to write or answer all my WHY questions. It was only until just now when my sister came back from a gathering and found out the whole story did I have a bit of understanding of why.

A couple of weeks ago at about 6.30pm, my old primary school teacher called. It seems like a junior of mine has passed away. I wondered what could have caused it. Was he ill? Was it an accident? Nope. It was worse. He committed suicide by hanging himself.

I was shocked and until I've heard the whole story did I understood what he went through. I won't divulge his story here as its not my story to share. All I could say was that he was very depressed, very lonely and empty inside that he drove himself to do such a thing.

All I could ask was where was his faith? If only he had a bit of faith. Faith in our Creator that there would be no chance for him to be extremely lonely.

I've been depressed so I knew how it felt to be so unattached to the surroundings and wallowing in my own despair. It is sort of a sickness if it is not handled properly. But with that lil faith I have, with time I got pass it.

The next few questions all begin with If Only... If only someone had reached out to him. If only families could support each other. If only they cared......

Let it be a lesson and a reminder to everyone out there, think before you act, before you speak, before you retaliate in anger. You never know that you could have triggered pain to a weaker soul and the next thing you know blood is on your hands. Its never wise to be mean. You could have save a life with a little act of kindness.

Pre-Wedding Shots

We thought it was significant that we had our photoshoot in Melaka as that was where it all started.

Death

I'm afraid of it. I feel it looming dangerously close and I'm in denial. Nenek is in so much pain. She's getting fevers on and off now and bruises are appearing all over her body. She's holding on because she wants to see me get married. I have to make a decision now.

Postgraduate Studies

So I applied. I told everyone that I'm not gonna do masters. Such a hassle. I don't want to teach. I want to cooked. Stay at home. Open my business. Then my dad enters. Sigh. You gotto work missy. OK...I got a job and still working till now. Then one fine day. It just came over me. Like a calling telling me to apply. To complete my masters study. So I applied. Last 15 May to University Malaya. Yea screw what everyone says. It's close to home. I applied for three master courses trying my luck. But was aiming for masters in modern languages.

Last friday, I got an email saying that I got accepted for Masters in Modern Languages. It was a wierd feeling. I was happy, yes, then it dawn to me that all the reading and living in libraries will start again. Then it was me organizing my time, my next plans, what research I should do, making time to go there and ask some lecturers what research I should do, maybe look up ahead and start reading on the courses. Its the kiasu, ultra-time management thing in me. I got it from my dad I think and probably the only one in my family with it. The rest of my siblings plus my mum are so hamban. Including my fiance. Probably scared a lot of people with it too.

So..good luck to me.. =)

Reflecting on Life

3 years ago I gave my heart a chance on someone. It wasn't the easiest thing for me to do. People who know me, well know that I'm not exactly an easy person to get along. I generally have a hard time trusting people. Regardless of the circumstance.

I know I gave him a hard time and yet he stayed on. Gotta give him credit for being patient. Secondly, he changed. I knew a lot of his guy buddies hated that about me. What is really so wrong about change if it's for the better. Him, his character, his personality, that didn't change. He's still the same funny, always trying to annoy me and making smart ass jokes. How he would talk crap like killing and ripping off someone's throat but when there's a time that person would ask for his help. He would be there without a blink. That's my baby. That's why I love him. Of course bad habits had to change. Which fortunately,some, he gave up. I'm still trying to get him to entirely quit smoking. We were moving on to something bigger. A life together. It wasn't a time to be selfish. Even for me. We give and take. That's how our relationship is.

These past few months have been really been a test on our relationship. I wish the wedding was the main problem but it wasn't. I didn't even have time to think of planning the wedding. Its been physically distressing at work with more work piling on my desk each day. Juggling responsibilities at home with nenek sick and my mom up and down singapore, I had to keep house and play mom. And then there was him and us and the problems that follow. When the going gets tough, it just got tougher.

God really put a test on us. I do believe that he is ever loving, ever kind, ever giving and I see it appearing day by day. Its just a matter of reaching out and grab it. I've been feeling helpless and depressed for a few weeks. Trying to battle these demons and being strong. Its never easy to do it alone. I pray to God to give me strength, to remain hopeful and to open my window wide and beyond. I promise I'm giving all I can to do my duties on this Earth.

Sini Sana: Travel Stories in Malaysia

It's finally here!!! The long awaited book is finally published and I'm proud to say that my darling is one of the writers in the book. So make sure you go to MPH and buy the book ok. Anyways, his story 'Papa's Bukit' was featured in the Star newspaper by one of their regular columnist saying that it was one of her favourite stories from the collection. I have yet to read the article so I'm scouring the online Star archives in search of it.

Papa's Bukit is a beautiful piece that is written close to his heart.

It's a personal story of his that I find, to a city girl like me, something I rarely hear about. He's told me stories about his childhood numerous times and I finally told him, well I guess more like force him, to write about it. I'm glad I did. Anything is possible when you put your mind to it.

The Greatest Woman- You are my inspiration

Those who know me would know that my grandmother is going through 4th stage of cancer. She was diagnosed with this disease last year. It has been a very painful and difficult journey. She went through two operations in the course of one year as the tumor was rapidly growing in her stomach. This time around, the cancer had spread all over her liver and the doctors cannot do anything about it anymore. Her cancer is GIST, please look it up. Its a form of cancer that rarely ever happens to anyone and from the beginning onwards the doctors told us that there was no cure for it. We as a family have accepted this fate and we have tried to make her life as meaningful as possible.

She is my heart. She was the person who took care of me when both my parents were working. She bathe and feed me and protect me when my yayi (grandpa) was angry at me. My late grandfather was the baran type. So it was really scary for me when he got angry. My dear grandmother was always there for me. I love her so much. I would protect her by all means. There have been some things in the past that I've gone overboard because I felt so dearly for her and when I felt she has been wronged. I would do the same thing for her again.

I was very fortunate to be able to give back a piece of how she cared for me last year. When she was sick and during moments where I was free I was in Singapore taking care of her needs. It was a just a fraction. I wish I could do more. But life moves on and I got a job and the wedding. I so wish I could do more.

She in her pain cooked my fiance sambal goreng when she heard he got transferred to JB. That is the strength of my grandmother. She put her love into everything that she do and the receivers of this love felt it so strongly. She never complaint about her pain. She is so strong.

I know I have to be strong as well. I will be. I will be there reading for her the quran and soothing her with sounds of the zikir. I would like to request to whoever who reads this will pray for her strength and read the surah yasin. It is very hard for me right now but I must give all my strength to my nenek. My inspiration.

Nikah Update

So we have decided to have the solemnization ceremony the night before my reception which will be on the 23rd December 2011 after maghrib. Papa's wishes were fulfilled because he wanted the nikah to be done at home. Right, I know there has been a lack of wedding updates. It's been crazy at work and I have not had any time to think of the wedding at all.

Things are definitely not going according to schedule. Tsk tsk.

On a happier note I have booked my make up artist for my wedding, a videographer for my nikah and my mum has gone out and bought bunga pahar for the nikah without consulting me. I have a feeling that she has ordered bunga pahar for my sanding too. Also, I've got shoes to match my nikah outfit. Just got to order new ones for my reception. Still got so many things.

On top of that, there's a possibility of me having 5 outfits for the wedding. It's giving me a headache. Hope all of you are having a happy busy April like me.

Its 1.30 am in the morning

My dad says the engagement is time for us to practice on tolerating each other. Since marriage is a whole different ballgame all together. I plan to have the whole situation under control. You gotto work at it. Show that you're always there and you care. But lately I've been feeling down. Very very down and under appreciated. Who said it was going to be easy? Who said that since she said yes, you've got her in your hands? Nope. Absolutely wrong. Since she has agreed, she'll be analysing you seeing whether you will keep your promise. Whether you're making feel secure. Whether you show her love and care. Whether you will stop being a big fat kid and grow up and be a man. The minute I give my faith and trust holding onto a big responsibility, I'm just being disappointed again. Why do I always feel like the man here? Sacrifice damn it.

LDR

I received shocking news yesterday. My fiance got transfered to Johor and he had to go today as they need him to manage the centre there on Sunday. I admit I cried when I heard it. We're sort of used to see each other at least a min of 3 times a week. Even my parents felt sore about the whole situation and are trying to help him out so that he can come back here quickly.

I was planning to surprise him on his birthday. Since this would be his last year celebrating his birthday as a bachelor. I was so excited the whole of last week. Asking all my colleagues what I could do to surprise him. So, I thought of surprising him by making sort of a treasure hunt with short sweet notes. The moment he wakes up there'll be a note, then when he gets in his car there'll be one, then off to work where there'll be a lovely cake waiting for him. A cake of course lovingly baked by me. Alas, my plans were crushed by the sudden news.

So, after my class today, he picked me up and we went of to chilis to have lunch at Empire. He went to the bathroom while I ordered the food. I told the waiter to bring in the cake while singing Happy Birthday. I guess that was the only surprise that I could think off at that time. He was leaving to JB after that. After we finished lunch, I was waiting for the cake to arrive. He thought that we were waiting for the bill. We waited for quite awhile and he was already getting angry. A little girl was also celebrating here birthday with her family and they were singing the Birthday song. He then had to tell me to never ever celebrate his birthday in a restaurant. Well not at least till his 60 and old and couldn't be bothered anymore. He said that birthdays were never a big thing in his family, He has never celebrated his own birthday. It was just the 'oh its my birthday today, pat on the back' and on with the usual day. So by then, I was laughing coz I knew he didn't have it coming. the waiters then came out with the cake singing Happy Birthday. He was like whose birthday is it now ....and heard "Happy Birthday to Farril". hehehe....He was so surprised and I could see that he was very happy. At least I managed to celebrate his birthday with him before he left.

I'm going to miss you darling soo...much. He'll be nearer to Singapore so he will be able to see nenek from time to time. LDR officially begins now.

Some days are just meant to be still..

Still with the sky so blue and and the mind erased of all worries.

Dulu ajak nak kahwin lari tak nak kan.

I've been terribly busy. Stressing over details which in the end don't happen to be in my power anyway. Work has become quite a chore. I don't mind the workload. But really many unnecessary things that can be rid off and hence will save time, money and energy. The system should really be looked through.

Happy news today. SPM results came out. My lil bro got 10As and 1B. So proud of him. Gonna celebrate before news of his impending National Service take place and he'll be gone for 2 years to serve the country.

Happy Birthday Mama!

My mum turned 50 yesterday. We didn't do anything special as papa is in terengganu. But today, my cousin and her family came with a cake and we celebrated together. Coincidently, my tailor came as well so the more the merrier.

She came back with one of my bridal dresses. It looked great! Her sewing pun kemas. So sent off the other three dresses as well la. Sneak preview of the kain. It has a small train at the back.

Sengetkan la kepala anda ye. Malas nak rotate gambar. The lace had been patched onto the satin.

And a preview of one of the lace. This is by far my favourite. Heavy beaded red french lace. Gorgeous kan. =). That's all for today. Exhausted nak tido. Night.

Attraction to Bad Boys

There's always an attraction to bad boys don't you think so girls. How everything seems so sexy and hot around them. The rockstars, the players and the assholes. I don't mean the guys who think they are cool by bragging about every single girl they bang. Nope, those guys are lame. Its the bad guy thing to always keep a mysterious air about them and keep to themselves.

Maybe, its a hopeful dream of us girls to change a bad boy. Like some unachievable mountain to overcome and claim the boy yours. LOL. Somehow, the fantasy always seemed better in my head.

I've dated my share of bad boys. The musicians, guitarists, goths and heart breakers. Why heart breakers, because they are extremely good looking and they get away with everything coz one look into your eyes and you know you melt. Dear exes, lovers, flings and friends, you all make a good story to tell my kids. How good looking guys are boring to hang out with, but a good eye candy on my arm and show off and brag about. LOL. How guitarists and musicians are emotional beings who are need of you to boost your ego. That times were fun when nothing was ever serious.

Amazing how my heart was stolen to baddest guy of all. True gangsters are gentlemen with pride in them. I love you F.D.Z.

Marriage

A marriage is a union of two people. It may have started of with love but love do not just take marriage by its reins. We (me and fiance) have never been the impulsive types to fall on love. Hell, I take a long time to care for someone. I'm very suspicious of people in general and only a number of people (which I can count with my fingers) know me in and out. First impressions would probably put me as a stuck up bitch. Truth is, I'm more afraid showing myself to anybody. I don't like to be seen as weak. I think that is why we get along well together. He's sort of like that himself.

I always told myself that love is not forever. I cannot bring myself to say I love you everyday to my partner. I will  only say it when I truly meant it. Love is so precious to me. I believe that care or 'kasih sayang' is more important. Because that is for life. When you truly care for someone, only then you will think deeply about your actions. You want to try your best to make him happy and comfortable.

I see married couples around me, some younger, some older. Their marriage is falling apart and I wonder, what rocked the foundations of their marriage? It is truly sacred, making that decision to spend your whole life with the other. A huge decision. Does this person share the same outlook and future that I want? Would I want to build a family with him? Would he make a good husband and father to my children? Can he be a leader and lead my family? Is he responsible? Does he share my morals and values? Will he care for me as much as I care for him and more? The decision is not on the whim. It is not truly all based on love (but of course you need to love him).

We actually discuss all of this. He's not one to plan surprises and such. The more we shared, the more we see what a great fit we were for each other. Of course, we had our troubled moments. So one day, he just asked me outright. Marry him. And I can't help smiling. Everything was right. Everything felt right and I'm glad to have this wonderful man with me by side. They definitely don't make men like him anymore this generation. =)

Hullo...

I've recovered and being sick for week was certainly unpleasant. The doc gave me three days mc...


I miss talking to my fiance. I miss him so much...Even though we both work in Shah Alam, we hardly get to see each other.

Sad eh..

My Stress Reliever

I went to the doctor today and she got me hooked on the nebulizer. My asthma has been going on a few days now and I've got two days mc for it. I wouldn't say my job is very hectic. God knows how much hectic work I've been through. I can handle a  lot of work and multi task. The problem with me is that when stress gets the better of me and being emotional (coz fiance's like super bz too, so we don't talk much now) that's when my asthma starts. Thank goodness me being unwell started end of last week and thus its study week this week. I need plenty of rest. Shit, I need a massage.

Whenever I started getting stressed up, I would always find something to cook in the kitchen. Baking and cooking is a way for me to de-stress I miss it.

If i had it my way, I would just like to teach part time and stay at home and cook and be a housewife, while running a small business on my own.

On another note, I found a mobile spa on the net. http://kalenaspa.blogspot.com. I have an urge to book a time for tomorrow and get her to massage. Should I??

Opposites Attract

Was discussing on relationships with my colleagues when one of them brought up the topic. Her husband is very organised while she is very messy. So far, most couples tend to have opposite characteristics of their partner. That's very true. I'm the making list person. I've got to budget, plan and organised my time. I hate having to forget something and going back for it which ends up wasting a lot of time and money. My fiance however is the 'esok nak makan cerita esok je la'. Annoying tak?

How the hell did we end up being able to get well together is really beyond my comprehension. He does sometimes drive me up the wall with his don't care attitude. I cannot tahan man...

So whenever we meet up (which is not very often nowadays) he'll ask what's the plan. Then, I'll start reading my list of things to do in the order I want them to be done. (He finds me annoying too!)

But gosh, don't we compliment each other well. I am a very compulsive person. I'll just jump the gun if I see that the opportunity is a good one and just go for it. By hook of by crook I'll get it done. In this area, he's analytical one. He sees the bigger picture clearer and I lean on to him on the decision making.

How do two absolutely different people get together?? I don't know. Love is blind. But I know we're meant to be and there is no other person that I want to spend my life with other than him.