The Greatest Woman- You are my inspiration

Those who know me would know that my grandmother is going through 4th stage of cancer. She was diagnosed with this disease last year. It has been a very painful and difficult journey. She went through two operations in the course of one year as the tumor was rapidly growing in her stomach. This time around, the cancer had spread all over her liver and the doctors cannot do anything about it anymore. Her cancer is GIST, please look it up. Its a form of cancer that rarely ever happens to anyone and from the beginning onwards the doctors told us that there was no cure for it. We as a family have accepted this fate and we have tried to make her life as meaningful as possible.

She is my heart. She was the person who took care of me when both my parents were working. She bathe and feed me and protect me when my yayi (grandpa) was angry at me. My late grandfather was the baran type. So it was really scary for me when he got angry. My dear grandmother was always there for me. I love her so much. I would protect her by all means. There have been some things in the past that I've gone overboard because I felt so dearly for her and when I felt she has been wronged. I would do the same thing for her again.

I was very fortunate to be able to give back a piece of how she cared for me last year. When she was sick and during moments where I was free I was in Singapore taking care of her needs. It was a just a fraction. I wish I could do more. But life moves on and I got a job and the wedding. I so wish I could do more.

She in her pain cooked my fiance sambal goreng when she heard he got transferred to JB. That is the strength of my grandmother. She put her love into everything that she do and the receivers of this love felt it so strongly. She never complaint about her pain. She is so strong.

I know I have to be strong as well. I will be. I will be there reading for her the quran and soothing her with sounds of the zikir. I would like to request to whoever who reads this will pray for her strength and read the surah yasin. It is very hard for me right now but I must give all my strength to my nenek. My inspiration.

Nikah Update

So we have decided to have the solemnization ceremony the night before my reception which will be on the 23rd December 2011 after maghrib. Papa's wishes were fulfilled because he wanted the nikah to be done at home. Right, I know there has been a lack of wedding updates. It's been crazy at work and I have not had any time to think of the wedding at all.

Things are definitely not going according to schedule. Tsk tsk.

On a happier note I have booked my make up artist for my wedding, a videographer for my nikah and my mum has gone out and bought bunga pahar for the nikah without consulting me. I have a feeling that she has ordered bunga pahar for my sanding too. Also, I've got shoes to match my nikah outfit. Just got to order new ones for my reception. Still got so many things.

On top of that, there's a possibility of me having 5 outfits for the wedding. It's giving me a headache. Hope all of you are having a happy busy April like me.

Its 1.30 am in the morning

My dad says the engagement is time for us to practice on tolerating each other. Since marriage is a whole different ballgame all together. I plan to have the whole situation under control. You gotto work at it. Show that you're always there and you care. But lately I've been feeling down. Very very down and under appreciated. Who said it was going to be easy? Who said that since she said yes, you've got her in your hands? Nope. Absolutely wrong. Since she has agreed, she'll be analysing you seeing whether you will keep your promise. Whether you're making feel secure. Whether you show her love and care. Whether you will stop being a big fat kid and grow up and be a man. The minute I give my faith and trust holding onto a big responsibility, I'm just being disappointed again. Why do I always feel like the man here? Sacrifice damn it.

LDR

I received shocking news yesterday. My fiance got transfered to Johor and he had to go today as they need him to manage the centre there on Sunday. I admit I cried when I heard it. We're sort of used to see each other at least a min of 3 times a week. Even my parents felt sore about the whole situation and are trying to help him out so that he can come back here quickly.

I was planning to surprise him on his birthday. Since this would be his last year celebrating his birthday as a bachelor. I was so excited the whole of last week. Asking all my colleagues what I could do to surprise him. So, I thought of surprising him by making sort of a treasure hunt with short sweet notes. The moment he wakes up there'll be a note, then when he gets in his car there'll be one, then off to work where there'll be a lovely cake waiting for him. A cake of course lovingly baked by me. Alas, my plans were crushed by the sudden news.

So, after my class today, he picked me up and we went of to chilis to have lunch at Empire. He went to the bathroom while I ordered the food. I told the waiter to bring in the cake while singing Happy Birthday. I guess that was the only surprise that I could think off at that time. He was leaving to JB after that. After we finished lunch, I was waiting for the cake to arrive. He thought that we were waiting for the bill. We waited for quite awhile and he was already getting angry. A little girl was also celebrating here birthday with her family and they were singing the Birthday song. He then had to tell me to never ever celebrate his birthday in a restaurant. Well not at least till his 60 and old and couldn't be bothered anymore. He said that birthdays were never a big thing in his family, He has never celebrated his own birthday. It was just the 'oh its my birthday today, pat on the back' and on with the usual day. So by then, I was laughing coz I knew he didn't have it coming. the waiters then came out with the cake singing Happy Birthday. He was like whose birthday is it now ....and heard "Happy Birthday to Farril". hehehe....He was so surprised and I could see that he was very happy. At least I managed to celebrate his birthday with him before he left.

I'm going to miss you darling soo...much. He'll be nearer to Singapore so he will be able to see nenek from time to time. LDR officially begins now.

Some days are just meant to be still..

Still with the sky so blue and and the mind erased of all worries.

Dulu ajak nak kahwin lari tak nak kan.

I've been terribly busy. Stressing over details which in the end don't happen to be in my power anyway. Work has become quite a chore. I don't mind the workload. But really many unnecessary things that can be rid off and hence will save time, money and energy. The system should really be looked through.

Happy news today. SPM results came out. My lil bro got 10As and 1B. So proud of him. Gonna celebrate before news of his impending National Service take place and he'll be gone for 2 years to serve the country.

Happy Birthday Mama!

My mum turned 50 yesterday. We didn't do anything special as papa is in terengganu. But today, my cousin and her family came with a cake and we celebrated together. Coincidently, my tailor came as well so the more the merrier.

She came back with one of my bridal dresses. It looked great! Her sewing pun kemas. So sent off the other three dresses as well la. Sneak preview of the kain. It has a small train at the back.

Sengetkan la kepala anda ye. Malas nak rotate gambar. The lace had been patched onto the satin.

And a preview of one of the lace. This is by far my favourite. Heavy beaded red french lace. Gorgeous kan. =). That's all for today. Exhausted nak tido. Night.

Attraction to Bad Boys

There's always an attraction to bad boys don't you think so girls. How everything seems so sexy and hot around them. The rockstars, the players and the assholes. I don't mean the guys who think they are cool by bragging about every single girl they bang. Nope, those guys are lame. Its the bad guy thing to always keep a mysterious air about them and keep to themselves.

Maybe, its a hopeful dream of us girls to change a bad boy. Like some unachievable mountain to overcome and claim the boy yours. LOL. Somehow, the fantasy always seemed better in my head.

I've dated my share of bad boys. The musicians, guitarists, goths and heart breakers. Why heart breakers, because they are extremely good looking and they get away with everything coz one look into your eyes and you know you melt. Dear exes, lovers, flings and friends, you all make a good story to tell my kids. How good looking guys are boring to hang out with, but a good eye candy on my arm and show off and brag about. LOL. How guitarists and musicians are emotional beings who are need of you to boost your ego. That times were fun when nothing was ever serious.

Amazing how my heart was stolen to baddest guy of all. True gangsters are gentlemen with pride in them. I love you F.D.Z.